The Beginners Guide to Bondage and BDSM

If you are new to this exciting and intriguing new world, you will no doubt have a list of questions you need answered. It’s not exactly something you want to bring up at the dinner table or in the office, but don’t worry – all the answers you need can be found here in the Ann Summers beginners guide to BDSM and bondage.

Read on to become an expert in all things BDSM, you’ll be hanging upside down on your BDSM swing before you know it!

BDSM Meaning – What does BDSM Stand for?

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. This very broad term encompasses numerous types of play, whether you want to try out a little light spanking whilst blindfolded, or you want to incorporate torture play and safe words.

The question what is BDSM is a tricky one to answer, because it means a different thing to each individual, for an accurate answer you need to ask what does BDSM mean to you?

BDSM isn’t all rubber masks and dehumanisation, it can be cheeky, fun, sensual and highly erotic when similarly inclined minds meet.

Beginner BDSM – Introducing BDSM into Your Life

Whether you want to spice up a long-term relationship or you’ve met someone new who is keen to get mean in the bedroom, you can make bondage and BDSM a part of your life, starting with the softer practices and building up to more extreme forms of play.

There are many misconceptions about the practice of bondage and BDSM. This taboo subject has been the focus of many movies and books which have often missed the mark - giving it a reputation of being perverse or strange, a practice about pain and control. Whilst these can be factors, bondage and BDSM has trust and intimacy at its core.

Softcore bondage/BDSM includes gentle versions of practices such as:

• Restraining: Binding the submissive party with ropes/ties or handcuffs so they can’t move, essentially handing control over to the dominant. Start gentle with a tie from the wardrobe or some fluffy handcuffs. If you discover you love being restrained, there is a world of BDSM restraints including full body suspension straps, body harnesses and collars, hog ties and spreader bars to have loads of kinky fun with.
• Blindfolding: The loss of sight enhances the other senses such as touch, smell, and sound, making for a highly erotic session. Being blindfolded during sex is common but its roots come from the naughty but nice world of BDSM. You can invest in a sexy eye mask or use household items for blindfolding – hardcore versions include full head masks with breath holes for the more experienced BDSM connoisseur.
• Gagging: You may want to start with something simple like a cloth gag if practicing this form of bondage. Being gagged during sex can make the gagged party feel helpless, the feeling of not being able to communicate giving them a complete lack of control. You can work up to more extreme gags such as ball gags which are inserted into the mouth, but for beginners, a cloth ought to do the trick. Of course, this does take away the option of a safe word (more on that later), so you might want to come up with a hand signal if you want play to stop for any reason.
• Spanking: The infliction of light (or intense) pain during sexual encounters can really turn up the heat in the bedroom. A firm slap on the backside is a stinging reminder to the submissive of who is in control and who most certainly is not. Spanking can be used as a punishment, delivered in sets and counted down by the sub, or simply done when the mood strikes during sex. If you’re feeling brave, you can also introduce some spank-specific toys such as paddles and whips, or just grab a belt out of the wardrobe and watch their cheeks turn red.

One of the most important aspects of beginner BDSM is trust. Ensure you are engaging in BDSM with someone whom you trust implicitly. You need to feel comfortable enough with this person to try new things but at the same time, know you can put the breaks on at any time without embarrassment or concern.

What is the Difference Between BDSM and Bondage?

There isn’t a specific ‘difference’ – bondage is just one part of BDSM (it puts the ‘B’ in BDSM). Bondage is most commonly associated with the practice of being restrained. This can be done for aesthetic purposes - the vision of a sub waiting at the mercy of the dom is highly erotic - or for gratification if the bonds are strategically tied to give pleasure with each movement. And it’s not only ropes or cuffs that are used, you’ll find seasoned BDSM connoisseurs bound by straight jackets, arm restraints, and harnesses featuring D-rings that allow them to be attached to any number of sex swing or BDSM frame and be dominated.

BDSM – Learning the Lingo

We have touched on a few of the terms used in the BDSM world, but let’s explore them a little further.

Scene: If you enjoy your introduction to BDSM and want to delve further, you may eventually find yourself part of a ‘scene’. Introducing lighter forms of bondage and BDSM such as blindfolding/spanking or whipping and the use of restraints can be off the cuff and unplanned, whereas scenes take careful planning and prep. The dom will plan the scene and tell the sub how they want it to play out. And, of course, if the sub diverts from the planned scene, they can expect to be punished.

Dominants: The dominant party will give the orders, call the shots, and dish out the pleasure/pain. They don’t take orders, they give them, and they expect the submissive party to obey them, though it’s always fun to administer punishment if they do not!

Submissives: The sub is happy to take a back seat role, giving the dominant whatever they request. Taking their punishment and doing as they are told. It is not uncommon to find people in high powered jobs seeking domination as it can be a release from the pressure of making decisions and being in control.

Sadist: Sadism is the enjoyment of inflicting pain on others, or seeing others in pain. The enjoyment comes from the power they posses over the consenting masochist.

Masochist: Masochism is the enjoyment of pain. This can be the pleasure gained from spanking during sex, or it can be more extreme.

Hard Limits: These are acts that the sub does not wish to engage in, and the dom should not attempt when the sub is restrained. This is where the trust comes into play. When bound and unable to move, the submissive is trusting the dom to only enact pre-agreed fantasies and not take advantage of their control. Hard limits should be set before a scene takes place to make sure boundaries are not crossed.

Soft Limits: These are acts that are not necessarily off limits but that either party is a little unsure of and might want to stop mid-way through. Knowing your soft limits allows you to prepare with safe words to put a stop to the act if things get a bit much.

Safe Word: This is the word you will agree on to cease all action. You should choose a safe word that has no relevance to what you are doing so there is no confusion as to what is meant when it is said out loud. You can also come up with a traffic light series of safe words: Amber/Red – amber may instruct the dom to slow down, go softer or lighter but not stop altogether. Red tells them to stop what they are doing immediately whilst the sub regains their composure. If the mouth is otherwise engaged, hand signals can be used, whatever you choose, just make sure each playmate is aware before you get started.

So, now you know the terminology, you’ve got your safe word and a willing partner, and your BDSM juices are flowing, it’s time to stock up on bondage gear and get kinky! Remember to play safe, set limits and respect the trust and intimacy involved in BDSM and you will always find pleasure in the pain.