The Meaning of Dom and Sub

BDSM is full of its very own vocabulary of terms that describe the different roles, positions, equipment and more, so it can be a little difficult for newcomers to grasp it all at first. This can often make BDSM seem intimidating for newcomers. Don’t worry though because at Ann Summers, we understand that getting the BDSM lingo down and learning the ropes (literally) can take a bit of explaining.

Here’s our guide to understanding the meaning of dom and sub in BDSM, as well as some dom and sub ideas for the bedroom.

What Does Dom or Sub Mean?

So, what does dom or sub mean? Well, dom is simply short for ‘dominant’ and sub short for ‘submissive’. The clue is in the title, but it’s basically the role taken on by each partner during BDSM play. This means that the sub will pretty much hand themselves over to the dom during BDSM play and allow them to control what happens. The dominant is defined by being more aggressive and in control of their partner and their pleasure. This means they might choose to withhold pleasure or an orgasm until the right time.

What Do Doms Look for in a Sub?

The single most important factor that a dom will look for in a sub is to be comfortable and happy submitting themselves to their dominant partner. This means they must enjoy and actively want to be dominated during BDSM sex for them to make the perfect sub. Beyond this, well, it's totally down to personal preference!

Just like any type of sexual attraction, some people are compatible as dom and sub and some aren’t. The most important thing to look for is someone who is open and communicative about what they want from BDSM and wants something similar. For instance, if you’re only interested in light bondage but your dom wants to take things further, they might not be the right fit for you.

Misunderstandings of the Dom and Sub Meaning

First things first, BDSM in general, and particularly the dom-sub relationship, is often misunderstood and given an unfair reputation. There are those who assume that a dominant is controlling and aggressive towards their sub without consent, and that the sub is just doing as they’re told by the dom. This is completely wrong…

A dom-sub relationship is actually built on a lot of healthy discussion and complete consent between the two parties. There must be time spent outside of the bedroom discussing what each party wants, how they like to be treated and what limits they have. A dominant is expected to be respectful of this.

How Do Dom-Sub Relationships Work?

Dom-sub relationships work differently for different people, so there’s no set way that yours should work compared to others. In many cases, a couple will naturally find themselves slotting into one role or the other or may even have a sex life that involves other activities outside of BDSM. As we mentioned before, trust is the main component to making a dom-sub relationship work. If not done properly, these relationships can become harmful and physically or mentally abusive – that’s why conversations outside of the bedroom are so key to helping keep the relationship safe and providing the sub a space where they can discuss their feelings ‘out of character’.

Our Beginner’s Guide to Bondage has a lot of advice on how to get started in BDSM.

Do Doms Have More Than One Sub?

A common question when it comes to sub-dom relationships is whether or not a dom has more than one sub. Once again, this is a common misunderstanding about how dom-sub relationships work. Being a dominant does not mean ‘doing what you want’ – everything must be based on mutual decisions. Therefore, if you’re both interested in having multiple partners, then have the discussion and proceed from there. If you’re a sub and this idea really doesn’t work for you, then you should feel comfortable telling your dom this.

Basically, being a dom isn’t a free pass to do whatever you want!

How to Be a Good Dom for a Sub

Being a good dom for a sub is just as important as the other way around. To be a good dom for your sub, you must be in complete control of not just the situation but of yourself. This means ensuring you’re always following the rules that have been set beforehand and paying close attention to how your sub is feeling (basically – don’t get carried away!). What’s more, aftercare is another important factor. Make sure you spend some time after BDSM play to ensure your sub is fulfilled and feels comfortable.