10 tips to improve your libido in a long-term relationship

Seven years in a relationship - partly in lock-down in a tiny, London flat - has at times brought its sexual struggles. Overfamiliarity is the death of desire.

If you feel like you’re losing your libido, it’s important to remember you’re not alone. Most people’s libido fluctuates, it’s difficult to remain consistent in the bedroom when life is - quite frankly - inconsistent in itself.

For those of us who stayed together through the pandemic years really saw the best and worst of each-other. Now that we’re back living our lives at full pace, trying to be the best versions of ourselves, it can feel like you or your partner’s just bringing the leftovers home.

However, a decrease of sex-drive in a relationship happens can happen over time pandemic-or-not. There are a number of mental, physical and situational causes and it’s important to remember there’s no shame in it. Here are some of my tips on how to reignite your mojo.

1. Start Scheduling

I used to think scheduling was too clinical and stopped spontaneity, but it’s actually been proven to help keep intimacy and satisfaction alive.

Dedicating quality time shows commitment, improves communication and increases the chance of spontaneous scenarios too. You could even book in time on your phone’s calendar with a fun, flirty subject to get eachother excited.

2. Communicate

Don’t underestimate the power of conversation. Discuss your needs and intrigues, it’s ultimately important to make sure you both feel comfortable and be confident with your own limits.

Make sure it’s a two-way street; listening is just as important as speaking up. The best way to approach the subject is to set some time aside to discuss. I wouldn’t advise dropping it into conversation as a surprise. Bringing it up in an argument is a tried and failed definite no. Remind yourself that it’s nobody’s fault. Instead, try and understand what factors have affected you/them; hormones, anxiety, stress or perhaps general fatigue (particularly for new parents).

3. Exercise

Moving your body benefits you both mentally and physically. Exercise helps release the happy hormones, reduce stress and increase libido. More high intensity workouts such as boxing gives a surge of energy and happy hormones. Lower intensity workouts like pilates and yoga help with mindfulness, but nobody’s complaining about the extra strength and flexibility either. If those aren’t your thing, a long walk can work wonders.

4. Practice body acceptance

A low sex drive can be a result of not feeling comfortable in your own skin. For those lacking in body confidence, the number one piece of advice I would give you is to spend more time looking at yourself naked and in lingerie. Be at peace with your body. You don’t have to love every part of yourself, just look at yourself neutrally, without judgement. When I’m feeling low, I find wearing a fresh flattering set of new lacey lingerie gives me a boost of confidence and helps me to feel fabulous again.

5. Watch, Listen, Learn

Rediscover your intimacy with raunchy novels, educational podcasts and female-friendly porn. One of the platforms I’ve discovered is called Cheex, it’s a digital membership designed to sexually empower and inspire you with erotic films, audio stories, and some amazing educational workshops.

6. Fly solo

Practicing physical self-love can be powerful. Female masturbation isn’t talked about enough, but it’s totally healthy and important. There are sex toys of all shapes and sizes that can aid you along the way. If you’d like to try toys but feel nervous, I would suggest starting with a “bullet” vibrator.

7. Be more playful

Having better sexual experiences may increase a person’s desire for sex, thereby boosting their libido so its important to make the overall experience fun and less transactional. Create a mood with soft lighting, candles and music.

Try playing a game; there are a number of games on the market aimed at getting long-termers in the mood. If you like dressing up, a little bit of role play might also benefit you. It’s a positive way of switching out of the monogamous mentality of the day-to-day routine.

Foreplay is also particularly important for females, according to research, only around 18% of women orgasm from penetrative intercourse alone, while 33.6% report that stimulation of the clitoris is necessary for them to orgasm.

8. Get a good night’s sleep

Sleep plays a vital role in your mental and physical wellbeing. According to a number of scientific studies, a lack of sleep and/or sleep quality can not only impact your desire for sex, but also a lack of arousal, an inability to experience excitement or orgasm, and sex that is painful or not enjoyable. On average, it’s recommended to have 7-9 hours of sleep per day.

9. Reduce alcohol consumption

Alcohol and recreational drugs might seem like a short-term solution and enhance your libido in the moment, but they’re proven to have negative effects in the long-term. Reducing alcohol will improve sleep, anxiety and your overall well-being.

10. Speak to a professional

This shouldn’t be the last step, if you’re still concerned about your sex drive or experience pain during sex, don’t shy away to speaking to a professional. If you’re on birth control or anti-depressants they could be affecting your sex drive, but there are also conditions like Endometriosis that can cause pain during sex. Other issues might call for a sex therapist. The best place to start is your GP who’ll be able to assess and refer you.