What if I can only orgasm if I use a sex toy?

When we gathered your questions on sex, we wanted to get you the best answers. So we teamed up with qualified Sex and Relationship Therapist, Jodie Slee, to reply to your top orgasm questions…

“It’s not easy for me to orgasm without a vibrator – is that OK?”

“I can only cum using a bullet, is this normal?”

Jodie Says:

“Firstly, I would say if you're having an orgasm just from a vibrator and you're fine with that and you're enjoying it – then don't worry about it!

“The way vibrators work is to stimulate specific nerves in a specific way, so they’re (as we know!) very effective in giving you an orgasm. However, using one vibrator in the same way each time can lead to a form of ‘sexual conditioning’, meaning that when you deviate from this you can find it takes longer, or the orgasm is more elusive.

“The key here is variety:

• Using your toy in different ways can be great for this, for example, a vibrator that can be used internally can also be used on your clitoris or your nipples, or through your underwear to change the sensation – and make the most of different settings too of course!
• Also using your hands on their own, with lubricant if you want, to increase the sensation. For most women, a rhythmic circular motion works best.
• Then of course trying different sex toys will vary the stimulation and keep things interesting. You can have different experiences and learn more about what you like by having a rabbit, clit stim, dildo or a vibrating butt plug in your collection. Mix them up too and you’ll have a great time discovering new ways to enjoy yourself!

“Using masturbation to learn more about what you enjoy can obviously benefit sex with a partner too and give you the confidence to talk to them about what works for you. Be clear and make sure that neither of you assumes that what worked for their previous partners (or anyone for that matter) will also be good for you. The pressure of expectations doesn’t contribute to a good experience."

“The clitoris is a complex network of nerves – intertwined in the entire vulva area, the visible part is the glans, which is essentially the tip of the iceberg. This means that not everyone requires (or even likes) direct clitoral stimulation, but more general stimulation of the entire area. So, you have all these little sweet spots that you can stimulate indirectly by exploring with your hands or using toys in different ways, then move repetitively in a way that suits you. That's how you build pleasure."

“It’s important to remember that an orgasm is just one part of sex though, and enjoying the whole process is arguably much better, and healthier, than focusing on the orgasm alone. Removing the pressure on you – or your partner – to orgasm during sex leads to a more relaxed, enjoyable experience all round."