What is Sex? Rethinking the Role of Penetrative Sex

From the moment we start thinking about sex, we’re fed ideas about how we should be doing it. Magazines, films, TV shows, porn – even sex-advice books – all contain clichés about what’s ‘normal’ and how we can achieve that.

‘Unfortunately, we have a cultural script that only certain things count as “proper” sex,’ says sex writer and academic Dr Meg-John Barker, author of Enjoy Sex (How, When And IF You Want To): A Practical And Inclusive Guide. ‘Generally, this is penis-in-vagina sex leading to orgasm.’

But we know it doesn’t have to be this way, in fact, you can have amazing (sometimes even better) sex without any penetration at all!

Is Sex Only Penetration?

We grow up thinking of the act of sex as being penetration, but that only covers a tiny percentage of the endless possibilities in the bedroom. It’s important as we grow older and begin to explore our sexuality that we learn that sex isn’t just penetration. This is particularly important to maintain a healthy sex life and not find yourself bound by the constraints of penetrative sex.

Even for women having sex with women, men having sex with men, and trans and non-binary people, there can be pressure to do it a particular way. So when illness, disability or a lack of desire stops you having the kind of sex that’s expected, it’s natural to feel at a loss. But rethinking what ‘sex’ means could help.

‘I think it’s useful to realise that, far from being good for us, the idea of a certain kind of normal sex is responsible for a lot of problems people have with sex,’ says Dr Barker. ‘Trying to “achieve” penetration and orgasm takes us away from being in the moment and being open about our desires, which are the two things that are most vital for enjoyable sex.’

There are plenty more ways to feel good during sex and even achieve an orgasm. For example, oral might not just be used as foreplay, it can be a sensual way to connect with your partner and focus on their pleasure by going down on them or giving them a blow job.

How Non-Penetrative Sex Helped Us…

Being open and finding new ways to be intimate helped Jess*, 26, and her partner, Luke*, rethink their sex life after she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

‘I was diagnosed when I was 21 and we’d been together since we were 19,’ Jess says. ‘I don’t think I really thought that my diagnosis would impact on our sex life. When I first had chemo, our sex life stayed kind of smooth; nothing really changed.’

As the treatment caused Jess to lose her hair and she underwent a mastectomy and reconstructive surgery, she faced a fall in confidence. The couple briefly split up as she processed the feelings. ‘I wanted to know that, as much as he still found me attractive, other people did, too, even though my body was different,’ she explains. ‘I needed reassurance.’

Although the pair were soon reunited, they faced a new challenge. ‘When we got back together, I’d started my hormone drugs and that’s when it became a prominent issue,’ Jess says. ‘My libido just dropped; it was non-existent. It’s essentially like I’m in menopause, but I’m only 26. We’ll be trying to have sex, but my body just doesn’t produce any kind of wetness at all. I’m completely dry the whole time.’

Whereas, once, one partner would initiate kissing, eventually leading to sex, Jess realised they needed to talk more and figure out how to do things differently. ‘We’ve had to adapt to get to a point where he understands that I’m not always going to be up and ready to go,’ she says. Jess felt frustrated about her lack of desire and reduced sexual enjoyment, whereas Luke became nervous about kissing or mentioning sex in case Jess shut him down.

‘In the end, there was a conversation where I said, “Look, if you want to have sex, just ask me if I’m in the mood. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings or me knocking you back; just be honest with me.”’

This kind of open conversation can ensure that no one feels pressured into having sex just to please their partner. And this isn’t just an issue during times of illness. ‘In long-term relationships, people often stop enjoying sex because of having such a limited sexual script, rather than being able to enjoy how their desires shift over time and pick from a wider menu of activities, which can all be great,’ Dr Barker explains.

What is Sex Without Penetration?

Thinking about other activities beyond penetrative sex helped Jess and Luke maintain their intimacy. ‘The way we ended up working around it was by spending a lot more time on foreplay,’ Jess says, ‘and actually spending more time together, just cuddling and going on dates. There’s definitely an acceptance with us now that kissing and cuddling doesn’t always lead to having sex.’

Dr Barker has created zines with sex educator Justin Hancock to help people figure out what style of relationship and sexual activities might work for them, and how to communicate this to a partner. ‘Justin and I recommend expanding your notion of sex as far as possible,’ says Dr Barker. ‘Get together and write down all the things that could possibly be thought of as erotic, sensual or hot. Then you have a menu to work from and can go through, ticking which ones you’d be keen to try, or not, and other thoughts about each activity. That way, you can build up a sense of your overlapping desires and interests.’

As well as exploring different activities, it can be helpful to think about what you want to get out of sex. ‘Often when people want sex, it’s for some particular reason, for example to feel close to their partner, to relieve stress, to get into a high-energy state, to relax or to be playful,’ Dr Barker says.

By pinpointing what you both need, you can figure out what sort of activity could help satisfy that. ‘Come up with non-sexual things you could do to get there,’ says Dr Barker. ‘For example, it might be that a massage, cooking together or going for a walk together relaxes you and meets your need for intimacy, or that playing a game together, teasing and tickling each other, or watching comedy meets your need for playfulness.’

Jess is sure that her sex life will keep evolving and that, thanks to the clear communication and intimacy she and Luke have now developed, this evolution will be natural and suit both of them: ‘Now, I don’t feel like there's anything between us that we couldn’t be open about.’