Let’s Talk About Queer Sex, Baby

Sexual liberation for queer people is so important to our experiences. Queer people will often be shamed out of talking about sex openly and that comes from a long history of society dismissing and condemning us. Our community is so vast and diverse that there are a lot of sexual experiences that go untold. That can definitely make you feel very alone when you are figuring out your sexuality.

Growing up queer and “in the closet” meant that I didn’t really feel comfortable even talking about sex, let alone being honest with myself or partners about what I wanted. I also never received any LGBTQ+ friendly education because it was illegal to teach in schools at the time. No wonder I was completely in the dark for so long.

You see, at school, the most in depth education we really got was: cishet men and women have sex to make babies. I remember looking at a diagram of a penis inside a vagina and laughing because I was embarrassed. On top of that, I was trying very desperately to be straight and that meant shutting off any part of me that found girls attractive. In my late teens, I was at a point where I told myself girls were “disgusting” so often, I started to believe it.

This meant that there was a lot of shame around sexual pleasure for me and it was quite isolating. I dated a few different boys as a teenager and sex was okay, but I wasn’t really ever focusing on what I wanted from sex. I wish I could tell a younger me that sex is supposed to be enjoyable and if you’re not enjoying it, you don’t have to do it! I think I found masturbation more freeing just because I didn’t feel like I was performing for anyone, and it was just about me.

At uni, I was still dealing with a lot of internalised feelings of shame around sexuality. Because queer women in particular are over sexualised in the media, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to actually enjoy being sexual without playing into that. It’s also really common for queer people to feel shame over what they find sexy and I think I probably needed someone to just say “hey, it’s okay that you fancy girls!”

The queer, sex positive community online really helped me work through a lot of the issues I had and now I feel fully comfortable talking about sex. Am I the most sexual person in the world? No, but that’s why sex positivity has been great for me. I learned that I didn’t need to be anything other than who I was. I didn’t have to have sex with a partner just because they wanted toto, and I didn’t owe it to anyone to be straight.

Sex Positivity also helped me come to terms with my body. I was once so uncomfortable being bigger than a partner but now I don’t really care. Sex doesn’t have to be a “one size fits all” situation (excuse the pun). I’m now very open about using sex toys - alone or with someone - and there’s no room for shame in my life. Queer sex is valid, and we shouldn’t have to repress our sexuality.

I think that sex is often framed in a heterosexual way and without proper education we can find ourselves not really knowing what to do. Hell, when I was first faced with someone else’s vagina I’m pretty sure I saw my life flash before my eyes. Seems like I should know considering I have one myself but nope. I was terrified of being ‘bad’ at sex or making a fool of myself, but the truth is, as long as you’re communicating properly, there’s nothing to worry about. You can’t magically know what someone likes if they haven’t told you and it doesn’t ruin the mood to ask (in fact, it makes things better.)