Ashley James: Retaining Your Sexuality During and After Birth

Intimacy and sex during and after pregnancy can feel very different for a woman than before. During pregnancy your whole body changes shape, your ribs and organs move to make way for baby and the pressure down there can feel very strange. Indeed, some women report a higher sex drive than normal as blood flow to the area increases, and some even report having a very high sex drive after birth too, which could be down to the influx of hormones and how your body deals with them. Made in Chelsea personality, Ashley James, discusses intimacy and sex after pregnancy (and during!), and tells us why women everywhere should continue to embrace their sexuality both before and after baby’s arrival.

It’s no secret that female pleasure is riddled in shame and taboo, and none of that goes away during pregnancy or after childbirth. I mean, it seems weird that you can have a baby, a product of sexual intimacy between two people, and yet sex, specifically female pleasure, is still kept hush hush. Or worse still, it’s only spoken about through the misogynistic lens of keeping a man happy so he doesn’t stray.

Female pleasure is not just an important way to stay connected with ourselves and our partner as we go through the major mental and physical changes that pregnancy and childbirth entail, but it’s also essential for the safe arrival of both our baby and our milk supply. Sexual arousal and orgasms help release oxytocin, and oxytocin is the hormone that helps to start labour and is released during skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding.

It’s for this reason our midwives tend to awkwardly instruct us to enjoy clitoral and nipple stimulation in our final weeks of pregnancy.

Sexual Pleasure During Pregnancy

Despite all of this, pleasure and sexual fulfilment is shrouded in mystery during pregnancy, and I know from speaking to women online that sex is one of the biggest things we fear after childbirth. We fear our bodies because of the lack of postnatal physical checks, the fear of pain - especially if we’ve had stitches or traumatic births. But the gender health gap is a blog post for another time, right now I want to use the Pleasure Positivity Project to discuss the gender pleasure gap.

Let me begin by pointing out the obvious stuff. Pleasure does not have to mean sex and the sexiest part of intimacy is communication. We should never feel pressure to have sex, and speaking from experience, pregnancy brings with it a world of valid emotions for both partners. There’ll be moments throughout your pregnancy when you don’t feel sexual, perhaps you just want to protect that precious cargo inside you, and there’ll be moments where you’ve never felt more sexual. The same applies for your partner, and these moments of arousal don’t always coincide. I remember feeling somewhat deflated when a pregnancy book would promise me the highest libido of my life, yet I was suffering with pelvic girdle pain and severe lack of sleep and had never felt less sexual. My advice to you is, don’t let any pregnancy book dictate your sex life to you. There’s nothing wrong with you, and however you’re feeling is valid.

Why Sex During Pregnancy is Good for You

Now we’ve got the formalities out of the way, let me just say that pleasure and pregnancy go hand in hand once you take the pressure off. Yes, it goes without saying that pleasure can deepen and nurture our relationships, but pleasure also brings confidence, connection with yourself and a host of health benefits too. So regardless of how your libido is during pregnancy, let me set this scene: the sun is setting, the candles are lit and your pouring lavender Epsom salts into your bath. What a way to unwind and connect with your body. You get out of the bath, and either ask your partner for a massage where things might get you in the mood, or you enjoy time to yourself.

Caring for Your Pelvic Floor During Pregnancy

We hear about the benefits of pelvic floor exercises and perineum massages a lot throughout pregnancy; building these muscles is essential for childbirth and your postnatal recovery, so why not make it pleasurable? Invest in some vibrating Kegel balls, so you can strengthen your pelvic floor whilst connecting to your ever-changing body. Stronger pelvic floors also allow stronger orgasms so it’s a win-win really. If you want your partner to take charge of the remote, or even better get the massage oil out then it’s a nice way for you to connect and enjoy intimacy together. And remember it’s all about oxytocin! Your pleasure literally keeps your baby calm, and later in your pregnancy brings about labour. I just think it’s so wonderful that patriarchal society has scandalised female pleasure, yet Mother Nature demands our pleasure for birth. Now if that doesn’t tell you how beautiful and natural female pleasure is, I don’t know what will!

We have loved the insights from Ashley with regards to intimacy during pregnancy, but afterwards, now that’s when it gets tricky! We have so many questions and before Ashley gives us her take, we wanted to answer some of your FAQ’s on having sex after birth.

How long after birth can you have sex?

The risk of complications following childbirth is highest in the first 2 weeks following the birth of your baby, and most healthcare providers recommend waiting 4 to 6 weeks before having penetrative sex as the body recovers

I have no sex drive after baby has arrived – is this normal?

Of course! Don’t panic. You are dealing with an insane volume of hormones, exhaustion and likely – pain. You sex life after baby arrives will probably be non-existent, at least for the first 6 weeks. Go easy on yourself and don’t force yourself to do anything sexual until you feel totally ready.

Will my sex drive ever return?

If you’ve been wondering how to get your sex drive back after a baby, try to relax. Overthinking won’t help. As your hormones settle and your muscles and bones realign themselves, you will feel stronger both physically and mentally. When we feel good, we are more likely to feel sexy and you’ll probably notice your sex drive creeping up on you and giving you urges when you least expect it! There’s a process to go through after you have a baby, just go with it, it’ll come…and so will you!

Will sex after childbirth feel different?

Every woman is different, but if you wait the recommended time to get intimate again, the healing process should see to it that sex doesn’t feel that different to how it did before. Your vagina may feel slightly looser but gradually the muscles should pull everything back into place and the difference will likely not be noticeable. If you have many babies or your baby has a very large head, you might be left with a slightly wider vagina than previous, and that’s where those all-important pelvic floor strengthening exercises come in. But trust us, when you are holding your baby in your arms for the first time, this will be the further thought from your mind.

We hope these FAQ’s have helped, but now let’s talk post-partum pleasure with Ashley James

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that a cocktail of dirty nappies, sleepless nights, and postnatal recovery does not exactly put you in the mood, but for me pleasure has been a crucial part of self-care as I get to know my new identity, and bonding with my body. Now I’m not a doctor but it goes without saying that penetration with a partner or device shouldn’t happen until you’ve made a recovery, and there’s no timescale on that. My advice would be to keep communication open with your partner as the chances are they’re as nervous as you about getting intimate again, so as I said before; take the pressure off yourself. Intimacy with your partner can be as simple as holding hands and kissing, lighting candles, giving each other massages.

Enjoying intimacy and Stimulation After Birth

pleasure is an important part of your postnatal recovery, whether that’s with a partner or with yourself. Long baths help you to unwind, stimulation can help to relax scar tissue, and pelvic floor training is an important part of recovery, especially if you have suffered from a prolapse. Now I know incontinence and pleasure don’t seem to go hand in hand, but whilst the former takes away your self-esteem, the latter restores it. So, whilst sex is off the cards, enjoy the massage candles, lavender baths, pheromone body mists, and clitoral massages. You might not feel your sexiest during your recovery, but nurture your sensuality, because you’re still that same person who got pregnant in the first place, and you deserve to feel good.

Whilst you’re on this unique and life changing journey, pleasure and sexual fulfilment in pregnancy and after is not only essential for you and your baby (oxytocin), but also for your mental and physical health. The stronger the pelvic floor, the stronger the orgasm, and the stronger the orgasm, the more oxytocin is released. Hopefully by taking the pressure away from sex, you get to connect with both yourself and your partner.